Again

Another semester came and went very quickly. I can almost see myself with the rest of my life divided into semesters. If I end up teaching, that is exactly what will happen. It seems very strange. Having been homeschooled, I have not really experienced the constrictions of a normal educational setting: going to a set place at a set time every day. We had structure, but, if necessary, it could be broken. The beach is a lovely place in September. We usually visited amusement parks or other vacation spots after the crowds had died down and the rates were lowered. Then, after DD went into school, we were restricted. But then I got my license and could take off without regard to school schedules again, I was sucked back into the grating routine of college. I love it (sometimes), but the inflexibility of the schedule is rough. And this is with the limited ability to choose class times! I have never needed to spontaneously drive three states over just because until I definitely cannot. My house doesn't feel like a cage, but the road does. I sit in a vehicle that could take me to New York or Washington or New Mexico or even just a few towns over to -- and I have to take an exit so that I get to class or work or Gran's house or the store or even back home on time! Sometimes the temptation to just keep driving scares me. It would be so easy, I wouldn't even have to do anything, just not turn. I have read enough books (and watched enough friends) to know that everyone goes through this in some form. Independence, spreading wings, detaching from parents, it usually happens during this time, if not before. I have also been a critic of "letting your heart lead you" since I was ten years old. I am also fully aware that I am being dramatic. It does not change the fact that some days I feel insane enough to simply get in the car and go. However, I am being patient. My plans are being set carefully into place, but the pieces of the puzzle are not solid. They keep changing shape. I can calculate budgets and piece together a layout as long as I want. I have little money, only a part-time job, no van and no set departure date. And little enough plan once that day comes. I have a list and am willing to leave a lot to drifting, but I need more of a plan or rather a more solid and defined goal (I sound like one of those self-help books that I laugh at). I want to see my country. I want to shape myself into the kind of person I want to be. I want to experience . I want an ivory tower in the shape of mountains and prairie and ocean. But sometimes I ask myself if this is the way to do it. I like the idea of a brand-new beginning. I want to believe that I can die to myself more easily away from the day-to-day habits and temptations of my current life. I want separate from my materialism and impassive sidelining. But I am also aware that although I am leaving (even temporarily) a lot of influences, both good and bad, behind me, I am bringing the common denominator in all of my sins and imperfections with me: myself.