I was asked to make a short list for a secret sisters game at work. We will send inexpensive little gifts to our secret sister throughout the fall semester. However, we only had about a minute to make a list of "things we like." My pathetic list looked something like this:
dolphins
the colour blue
reading
writing
pens
chocolate
candles

No. There are not many actual gift ideas in that list. Poor pathetic list. However it reminded me of my last birthday party. I was joking with a friend of mine about what I should do for my birthday. We decided that I should do a "Things I like" party. Guests should wear costumes and flippers (for scuba) and meet at Barnes and Noble for Indian food and cookies. Everyone must bring a sonic screwdriver and all conversations must be sung Broadway style. Games will be fencing and karate matches.

Have you ever lain looking up at the ceiling? Why does the room seem so much smaller without furniture? Shouldn't it be the opposite? The furniture should fill the room, making it seem smaller, but instead the room seems to expand with furniture in it. And what kid hasn't pretended to walk on the ceiling?

Dinner was a somewhat improvised zucchini ricotta galette... without the ricotta and with only half of the zucchini. I also threw in whatever vegetables came to hand: broccoli, cauliflower, onion, green pepper. We did not have sour cream, so I used plain lowfat yogurt. We did not have ricotta, so I used mozzarella, parmesan, and egg white. It was delicious. I will be making this again. Possibly every day. Many thanks to Zoomyummy.com for the recipe.

I am listening to Arriety's Song from the Borrowers movie by Studio Ghibli.

bookstore

So, according to all of the articles I've read, starting a used book business is easy. I do  not believe them, but I would still like to try. If I start at a few local flea/community markets, I will not have many huge expenses: flat rate for space, business license, and, of course, inventory. Then I would have to try to actually make a profit. I need to find out what is legal to sell. This is, in a way, counter to my dream of someday owning a library, but it would be enjoyable, I hope. I would, of course, prefer an actual bookshop with four walls and a door and everything, but I would also fear it. Maybe I could make a traveling bookstore! A nicely painted trailer with shelves of books....bungee corded in? Or would I have to re-shelve every time that I set up shop? Maybe I could make some of those shelves that I wanted with doors that slide off. I would also have to be able to set it up outside. A trailer just would not be large enough. I will look into the laws regarding traveling book stores. 

Rules for bookstore inventory: 

 1. NO ROMANCES: maybe Jane Austen, but none of those newer, trashy things

 2. Fantasy is my favorite, so that is what I will concentrate on

 3. Do it yourself is probably also popular at festivals/fairs, but I will check

That's not many rules, and mostly common sense, but it's all I've got for now.

I cut my finger pretty deeply trying to yank the plastic loop open on a new spongie/scrubby thing. It is actually pretty interesting, just painful. It sliced through the top layer of skin to the pink beneath. If I peel it back (which I will not be doing), there will be the same fingerprint beneath in painful, sensitive growing skin. Is it not amazing how skin works? And how intricate the creases are? I remember standing in the parking lot when I was eight years old and being suddenly struck by the realization of how incredible my hands were: muscles and tendons and bones and blood vessels and skin and fingernails and nerves and I don't even have to control them all because my brain does it for me. I just decide to pick up a pen and my hands move accordingly without me needing to know which muscles to  contract. It is so ingrained in us by that time. I wonder if babies have to figure out specific muscles or is it closer to how we are as adults: doing this moves this arm however I want it to go. Babies have so much to learn. How do we all do it? They have to learn really difficult concepts like object permanence and self and others and the idea that other people are actually people like us, not just things. And mirrors. That has to be hard to grasp. And the world is big. You can wave your arms around and not hit anything. And it keeps changing. There is this rocking motion and sounds and then the world looks totally different again. 

I'm listening to Facade from Jekyll and Hyde. 

There's a face that we wear
In the cold light of day -
It's society's mask,
It's society's way,
And the truth is
That it's all a facade!  

There's a face that we hide
Till the nighttime appears,
And what's hiding inside,
Behind all of our fears,
Is our true self,
Locked inside the facade!

Every day
People, in their own sweet way,
Like to add a coat of paint,
And be what they ain't!

That's how our little -
Game is played,
Livin' like a masquerade
Actin' a bizarre charade -
While playing the saint!

But there's one thing I know,
And I know it for sure:
This disease that we've got
Has got no ready cure!
And I'm certain
Life is terribly hard -
When your life's a facade!

Look around you!
I have found
You cannot tell, by lookin' at the surface, 
What is lurkin' there beneath it!
See that face!
Now, I'm prepared to bet you,
What you see's not what you get -
'Cause man's a master of deceit !

So, what is the sinister secret?
The lie he will tell you is true? -
It's that each man you meet
In the street
Isn't one man but two!

Nearly everyone you see -
Like him an' her,
An' you, an' me -
Pretends to be
A pillar of society -
A model for propriety -
Sobriety 
An' piety -
Who shudders at the thought
Of notoriety!

The ladies an' gents 'ere before you -
Which none of 'em ever admits -
May 'ave saintly looks -
But they're sinners an' crooks!

Hypocrites!
Hypocrites!

There are preachers who kill!
There are killers who preach!
There are teachers who lie!
There are liars who teach!
Take yer pick, dear -
"Cause it's all a facade!

If we're not one, but two,
Are we evil or good?
Do we walk the fine line -
That we'd cross if we could?
Are we waiting -
To break through the facade?

One or two
Might look kinda well-to-do -
Hah! They're bad as me an' you,
Right down they're boots!

I'm inclined to think -
Half mankind
Thinks the other half is blind!
Wouldn't be surprise to find -
They're all in cahoots!

At the end of the day,
They don't mean what they say,
They don't say what they mean,
They don't ever come clean -
And the answer -
Is it's all a facade!
Is it's all a facade!
Man is not one, but two,
He is evil and good,
An' he walks the fine line
We'd all cross if we could!

It's a nightmare
We can never discard
So we stay on our guard
Though we love the facade
What's behind the facade?
Look behind the facade!

--------------------------------------

I agree that man has both good and evil in him, but I think it is interesting that they mostly focus on good being external and evil being internal. Some days that feels accurate, but don't our actions have as much as "weight" as our thoughts? On the other hand, I suppose the point is that the motivation for the external actions are entirely selfish. But isn't it better to act and pretend that we are compassionate and generous. isn't that a good first step toward actually becoming compassionate and generous? Maybe the motivation begins as changing the way people perceive you, but it can become internal if you try. But in order to try, you have to want to, so maybe that argument is invalid. But if you truly don't care, then why would you care what people think of you? Wouldn't you not understand why people care? If man's good was fully external, then... it wouldn't be external? it wouldn't exist at all because no one would care about acting "good." Well, this was a confusing and silly argument. People have both good and bad inside them. There is a constant war in each of us, and sometimes we, or at least I, do not even want the "good" side to win. I am far too selfish for that. And now I have spent far too long on this.

Today is dry and brown like crunchy grass.

CDs and Crepes

I have a strange system for making CDs (yes, I still prefer CDs). I make mix CDs with exactly ten songs in three-CD cycles. However, my most recent CD had 15. So now my next two must have 15 songs as well. I try to buy songs that I listen to a lot about once a season and not spend any money on music except for these times. (I am working my way towards the entire Beauty and the Beast on Broadway album very slowly.) Mostly I like my system because it keeps me from spending "just 99 cents" every other day on music that I never listen to because I become obsessed with my CD for a long time and listen to almost nothing else. Then I spend a period of time listening to my older CDs. It helps me remember what I have because of the organizing system and also provides a neat record of the type of music that I enjoyed during certain years. Eventually, I find myself listening almost exclusively to grooveshark and youtube. Then I buy more. I usually end up with three CDs a year (I usually get a broadway musical from my cousin for Christmas, so I don't need one during winter). Anyway, all that goes to say that I am trying to pick out 15 songs for my new CD. So far I have Disney, broadway, Chameleon Circuit (Doctor Who fan music), the Hush Sound (probably my favorite group), Matthew West, Vienna Teng and Standing in the Way from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: One More Time with Feeling. I feel completely over-priviledged. 

This was the last (and, to some extent, first) true week of summer: only worked two days, no scripts to write/props to gather/phone calls to field/camp to run/problems to solve, and no other responsibilities. I have been working on my Mandarin, writing, reading, cooking, baking, sleeping (finally!) and just enjoying having no true pulls on my time. I have been listening to the Screwtape Letters again and they convict me every time. I love the part where he points out that our time is not actually our time. This should be obvious, and yet, every time, it gets me. All of my time, all of "my" everything, was given to me. It is a gift, not a right. I use maybe an hour a day truly for my Lord. And this is a reasonably new development. At first, I scoff to think that I should truly use every single moment of my day for God. Am I supposed to never do anything but pray and read my Bible? What about reading books that I want to read or talking with friends about the latest movie or something other than what I have read in scripture recently? Those things are not out of God's will, are they? I think the answer is no.... but that is the wrong attitude. Christianity should define me. I should be a Christian first, everything else comes second or not at all. God should not be set aside as part of my schedule; he should be my schedule. Time being silly with friends and watching movies and writing and reading should be seen as a joy granted to me by my Father, not as a right and not as separate from Him. My life is not like that, but I pray that as I continue to be drawn closer to God, my life will closer reflect this, although I did not explain it well. 

Today has been very quiet. Crepes for lunch, sweet potato surprise for dinner and rice bars for dessert. It has been slow and gentle and filled with a lot of thought and not much physical activity. I have felt kind of sleepy all day. Must WAKE UP! Disney songs would be perfect (I just can't wait to be king!) but is that what I am listening to? No. I am listening to Fairy Dance from Peter Pan (the latest live-action version). It is beautiful and un-motivating in the extreme. Today was the pale yellow of sidewalk chalk after a rainstorm. 

Again

Another semester came and went very quickly. I can almost see myself with the rest of my life divided into semesters. If I end up teaching, that is exactly what will happen. It seems very strange. Having been homeschooled, I have not really experienced the constrictions of a normal educational setting: going to a set place at a set time every day. We had structure, but, if necessary, it could be broken. The beach is a lovely place in September. We usually visited amusement parks or other vacation spots after the crowds had died down and the rates were lowered. Then, after DD went into school, we were restricted. But then I got my license and could take off without regard to school schedules again, I was sucked back into the grating routine of college. I love it (sometimes), but the inflexibility of the schedule is rough. And this is with the limited ability to choose class times! I have never needed to spontaneously drive three states over just because until I definitely cannot. My house doesn't feel like a cage, but the road does. I sit in a vehicle that could take me to New York or Washington or New Mexico or even just a few towns over to -- and I have to take an exit so that I get to class or work or Gran's house or the store or even back home on time! Sometimes the temptation to just keep driving scares me. It would be so easy, I wouldn't even have to do anything, just not turn. I have read enough books (and watched enough friends) to know that everyone goes through this in some form. Independence, spreading wings, detaching from parents, it usually happens during this time, if not before. I have also been a critic of "letting your heart lead you" since I was ten years old. I am also fully aware that I am being dramatic. It does not change the fact that some days I feel insane enough to simply get in the car and go. However, I am being patient. My plans are being set carefully into place, but the pieces of the puzzle are not solid. They keep changing shape. I can calculate budgets and piece together a layout as long as I want. I have little money, only a part-time job, no van and no set departure date. And little enough plan once that day comes. I have a list and am willing to leave a lot to drifting, but I need more of a plan or rather a more solid and defined goal (I sound like one of those self-help books that I laugh at). I want to see my country. I want to shape myself into the kind of person I want to be. I want to experience . I want an ivory tower in the shape of mountains and prairie and ocean. But sometimes I ask myself if this is the way to do it. I like the idea of a brand-new beginning. I want to believe that I can die to myself more easily away from the day-to-day habits and temptations of my current life. I want separate from my materialism and impassive sidelining. But I am also aware that although I am leaving (even temporarily) a lot of influences, both good and bad, behind me, I am bringing the common denominator in all of my sins and imperfections with me: myself.

Ignore

Almost everybody I know has a very definite opinion about how my life should go. They all agree that I should go to college. Some think that it would be foolish and dangerous to go to a secular college. Some think that I shouldn't waste my money on an expensive private college. Some think that I would be stupid to listen to people who tell me to go to a Christian college. They think that it would be silly and against the whole idea of college to go to such a "narrow-minded" place. I should not conform, I should branch out and push boundaries... by conforming to the currently popular chant of diversity. The people I have talked to about not finding many others of the same interests think that I should go to a "diverse" and open-minded secular college... to find people of like mind. ? Am I the only one who thinks that they are sending mixed signals? If I am looking for people with similar interests, shouldn't I look at a college with people who are similar to me? Such as Christians who are interested in small colleges? Some people think that I need to have the full "college experience" meaning living in a dorm. Others encourage me to look beyond college and save money (what money?) for life afterwards. Personally, I could not care less about the "college experience". Gaining knowledge for both practical purposes and just to know it, yes. Some social experience, sure. Having a long and expensive and uncomfortable experience, why? Because everybody else does? For some sense of camaraderie? To learn how to get along? How to deal with annoying women? And Now it is tomorrow and I am not so irritated. Must go finish Paradise Lost.

one man circus

I just had a panic attack. An Oh-My-Gosh-I'm-supposed-to-be-an-adult panic attack. I feel like I am being left behind, thrust forward too quickly, and possibly told to juggle 5 of my favorite knives all at the same time. Most of the time, I just deal with it without thinking. Then I get cocky until something happens to knock me down a peg (or 10). Such as forgetting the password to an important...something. I try not to be like the average American and actually use different passwords for different things. However, there is a reason most Americans use the same password. By the way, xkcd had a comic about passwords that was something I had only sort of vaguely wondered about. Obviously it was one of the (many) things that I should pull out of the cloud of fog that is the upper region of my brain and examine more closely. I shall post here. Several hours later... I had a lot of things that I was going to say today. But now it is late and I am tired. Maybe I will finish this tomorrow. Read Radical!

Drama

Dinner: Barley and Vegetable Saute. Delicious.
Dessert: Oreo Cupcakes (). Magnificent.
After-dinner games: Chinese Checkers, chess, and mancala. Thoroughly enjoyable.
Currently: working on the History of Euria and listening to the Screwtape Letters. Perfectly pleasant.
Later: will watch Tangled on Netflix. Relaxing.

All in all, a wonderful evening.
I wish that I could sketch. I can, of course, but the end result looks like something an untrained seven-year-old would draw. I may look into this in my free time this semester (haha). one week until school starts. I am not ready. I have to go buy my books tomorrow. I just finished the drama camp that I run last week. It was hard, confusing, stressful, expensive, time-consuming, and totally worth it. I had 21 kids (ages 8-14) and 5 helpers. Some were rambunctious and some were quiet. Some loved to sing, and some were scared to death. All of them did an amazing job. Even the ones who stammered or were monotone did much more than they could have at the beginning of the week, so I was thankful. It was amazing to hear them all sing Consider Yourself. 7 kids sang Your Fault from Into the Woods. They learned it in less than 4 days. And did it a Capella. My one seven year old and my one 14 year old sang He'll never know (From Frog and Toad all Year) A Capella. Having practiced it onstage twice. Incredible. They learned choreography and music and skits (Skitguys.com is amazing, by the way. Sooooo funny and nice!) I rediscovered what amazing friends I have. I said "Hey, I'm doing a drama camp in a few weeks. Would you like to give up 6 hours of your day without any kind of pay to help me?" They didn't hesitate. When they got there, I didn't have time to show them anything. I handed them pieces of scripts, gave them kids, and said "go practice this." and they did. Most of them hadn't even heard any of the songs before, but they worked them with those kids while I worked with others. No sheet music, no time to listen to the music beforehand. And I heard not a word of complaint. And then they showed up the next day! They are teenagers! this is not typical! I thank my God, I do not have normal teenage friends! I cannot express my awe and gratitude. It is so humbling to see the self-sacrifice of these 5 teens. I'm tearing up (again). Truly, he who has found a true friend has found a great treasure. It is also humbling to see what those young actors could do in 5 days. I will go write now. Today is the faded blue of an old, sunbleached work skirt.